I've finally come to the point where there are just too many thoughts going round in my head and not enough people to share them with. I am slowly but surely watching my larger circles of friends from school and university dwindle to very mediocre numbers. This is by no means to suggest that the friends are in any way deficient. The opposite in fact, these are the close personal friends who will stick with you for life. But the poor sods that they are are reaching saturation point from all my bollocks and can't be enjoying listening to the same moan over and again. So I thought I'd release the torrent of self misery going on in my head on the unsuspecting public in this anonymous form.
So this week I have cried in the office of one of my superiors at work, "messaged" about 50 people on eharmony with no response, called in sick because I am literally exhausted with my job and its been making me ill, picked up people, given people a lift to work, helped people with their problems, listened to peoples problems, been accused of not doing my job properly, been ignored when talking about my problems, been checked on because of a suicidal sounding Facebook post... the list goes on. So as you can see its been a long week.
I decided last night to just give up for a few days. Instead of keeping all my commitments I decided to tell everyone I was too ill. I don't enjoy it- I end up feeling more guilty and then bored after I have slept for half the day. But that said if I hadn't I would have probably killed someone out of frustration.
I think the key issue is not the number of friends or even quality of friends. My issue is not having a meaningful relationship beyond that. At the end of 27 years I got to my birthday and wondered what I have been doing wrong. Even in the last 6 months after signing up to an online dating site I found I wasn't even getting any further than before. Except £60 I could have spent somewhere else... maybe on sperm donation! I don't want to have kids on my own but 30 looms ever closer and I swore I would have a child before then. Not in a throw my toys out the pram tantrum kind of way, but just because I don't want to get to the other side of that milestone to find out its way too late. However right now I would settle for a decent snog before my 30th birthday. I'm not even talking getting laid... this is insane its been so long. 5 long really lonely years (thats just since the last snog!) Ah well someone has to be left out, otherwise all the people who have someone wouldn't realise how lucky they are.
BUT THEY DON'T!!! The stupid bastards take it for granted, moan about their partners, moan about not having any time to themselves after having kids. I don't have any time to myself but I don't get the amazing feeling of watching my flesh and blood grow up and develop before my eyes and the unconditional love you feel and receive. I just can't stand the overwhelming feeling of anger and jealousy that comes over me when people complain. I want to shout from the rooftops, "GET OVER YOURSELVES, DO YOU REALISE HOW FUCKING LUCKY YOU ARE". I'm not talking abusive relationships of course. No one is lucky when that's going on. But come on people, if you hate it so much go back to being single and give the rest of us a try.
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